Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
