I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
