i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We had sex on a dog bed..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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