Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just pynch a tree in the face
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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