Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize