I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
