He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
