yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
