Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
