i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
