Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
