Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm sobbing to NWA
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
