I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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