are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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