I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
