There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
