god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
