Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
