God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
In America we eat man semen.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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