fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize