There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
