I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
