its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
