woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
