for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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