So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sorry my hands just texted you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
