"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I could fuck to npr.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
