I am puke
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
