Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
