I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
