Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
