twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
