And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
