I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
