can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
