Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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