If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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