I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
