I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
