my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
