I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize