Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
