sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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