At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
