blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
