the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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