sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize