why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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