Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize