I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
