i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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