Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize