Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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