So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
