Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
