Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize