Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize