Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
